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Ready to play the 10,000 Pyramid ? Here are the clues:
– Edward Scissorhands.
– James Franco, was Peter Parker’s friend and later nemesis.
– James Dean, the actor, not the sausages.

This is my first movie review on this blog. Normally I don’t like reviewing movies aimed toward a younger audience, for reasons I shall write down, then just as discretely, delete.

This is all I knew about the movie going in.
1) Teen flick.
2) vampire movie
3) Big book tie in

That first one alone would make me run screeching toward the other end of the movie theatre. I’ve been a fan of good (not mediocre) vampire movies, since Dracula, starring Frank Langella. And my daughter likes the book series.

Somehow I found myself watching a pretty funny Youtube parody of Twilight, and was intrigued. A user uploaded the entire DVD movie in 12 parts. vive la internet. So I sat and watched that, out of sheer curiosity. What was the fuss all about?

These were my thoughts.
1) She’s utterly depressing, which this movie translates to “attractive” to lumbertown high school guys. Does this actress have any other expressions besides sullen heaving and muttering through her clenched teeth?
2) One of the female characters describes Edward Cullen as extremely good looking. I had to search high and low on screen for him. Oh — he’s in the centre of the shot. Pale, yes? Devastating? Uh, nee man.

The two of them flip-flopped between like/hate/like/hate. Yeah, whiplash is exactly how I would describe it also. So I just got off the merry-go-round, and let the characters have at each other, while I chomped on my popcorn. I never got fully vested in their interactions and relationship.

I was one of those fortunate few who weren’t jaded by the book, and I didn’t expect much, which was good, because “not much” was exactly what I got from the movie. It was a retelling of Romeo and Juliet meets
Beauty and the Beast.

I read the novel later in the evening, just to see what it was that made the series so popular. Maybe I was missing something. Turns out, I didn’t miss much there, either. The movie is fairly close to the book, only with more action. Too bad. I was hoping the series was an improvement.

In at least one way, the book was far worse than the movie, in its Mary Sueish depiction of Bella. Every boy in school was attracted to the main character. And she was beloved by an Adonis of an eternally young and undead boyfriend. I think at one point she even exclaims in typical Sue-monologue “I can’t believe this Adonis is in love with me.” I don’t know how that escaped the eyes of the publisher. But more power to the writer of Sues. At least the movie didn’t push the Sue-ish aspect of Bella. Bella – Belle (from Beauty and the Beast?).

If I’d read the book earlier, I would have been greatly disappointed by the casting of Edward Cullen, again no Adonis. But then, as the actor himself explained, maybe he was only an Adonis, in the eyes of Bella. That’s a much better explanation of why Adonis turned out to be a lookalike to Peter Parker’s best friend and nemesis, Harry Osborn.

Again, as a testament to the actor’s craft, without having read anything beforehand, I felt he came across as James Dean-ish, with the attitude, and — mostly the absurd flair of troll hair. I later discovered that’s the American icon’s accent he was aiming for.

The movie could have been better, but it could have been worse. I think the only saving grace was that it plays better the second time around. Overall a three out of five, if only for the novelty of vegetarian vampires who sparkle like diamonds in the sunshine … as opposed to Tolkien elves that glow like nighsticks in the dark.

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